Chelsea Handler’s Guide to the Holidays
Who needs Martha Stewart? Chelsea Handler has the answers to your holiday fun.
Leave the Cooking to the Professionals
“When I host a Christmas party I like to pay other people to cook for me. It guarantees the meal won’t be a complete disaster, or at least nobody on my guest list will come down with botulism.”
Don’t Go Overboard With the Decorations
“I like my Christmas trees like I like my men: short and corpulent. A Christmas tree should be like a good pair of breasts.”
“Christmas, like sex, isn’t something to be shared with the general public. From the outside my house looks bleak and uninhabited. But inside it’s like the baby Jesus himself threw up white lights.”
Don’t Mix Friends and Embarrassing Relatives
“If you can host a Christmas party without inviting your mussel-eating, balcony-peeing father, you’ve cut your odds of personal humiliation almost in half.”
Keep Your Guests Well Lubricated
“The moment your guests walk in the door, they should be handed a glass of alcohol. Wine, vodka, margarita—it doesn’t matter. Not only will it lower their inhibitions—an inebriated guest is an entertaining guest—but an abundance of booze makes everybody a little less critical of the terrible food they’re being served.”
Invite a Few Celebrities
“I’m going to assume that, like me, you have a mid-level cable-TV show on E! and thus have easy access to a wide range of celebrity friends willing to attend your next holiday party. If nothing else, he’d definitely bring enough drugs to keep everyone at the party really relaxed.”
Don’t Let Children Bogart Your Christmas
“I have nothing against children on general principle, but, at least during the Christmas season, they’re not welcome in my home.”
When in Doubt, Give Cash
“Nobody gets mad if you give them a fat envelope full of unmarked bills. You’re basically telling them, ‘I trust you. Go out and go off.’”
Keep the Holidays Secular
“I’m a big proponent of the separation between church and everything else in the world, and it’s time to take back Christmas for those of us who don’t want to hear about angels and shepherds and babies with glowing heads. Besides, ever since Jesus started dating Madonna, I can’t take him so seriously anymore.”
“Christmas should be a celebration of family and friends and having a good time, with just a sprinkle of porn thrown in.”
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December 2, 2009 | Playboy Special Features
